Even though you know you should move on, you might “boomerang” right back to your ex after a … [+]
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After a break-up, you’re likely surrounded by well-meaning friends offering advice like, “You deserve better!” or “Just block them and move on.” And yet, despite knowing all the logical reasons to let go, you find yourself reaching for your phone, wondering what they’re up to, or worse, sending that infamous “Hey, how have you been?” text.
This phenomenon, where you keep gravitating back to an ex even when you know it’s probably not in your best interest, is known as the “boomerang effect.”
A new study published this year in Personal Relationships examines why people engage in post relationship “tracking behavior” and try contacting or reestablishing relationships with their exes. Apart from grieving the very real sense of loss accompanying a break-up, researchers found that our beliefs about relationships and how we perceive our ex are powerful motivators behind this behavior.
Here are the two key reasons why some people are more likely to experience the boomerang effect after a breakup, according to the study:
1. You Believe That You Were ‘Meant To Be’
At the heart of the boomerang effect is the belief that the relationship was “destined” to succeed. These are called destiny beliefs—the idea that relationships are fated, that soulmates exist and that when you find “the one,” it should be effortless and enduring.
Researchers suggest that those with strong destiny beliefs tend to idealize relationships, making snap judgments early on about whether someone is their perfect match. Once convinced that a partner is the one for them, they become deeply invested in the relationship’s longevity, often resisting any signs that it might be time to move on.
“Destiny beliefs might tap popular narratives, idealized views or romantic expectations that relationships are meant to last. These views are championed in so many forms of media, including movies, song lyrics, and books, and we tend to be inundated by such messages despite knowing sensibly that relationships do not operate magically,” the researchers explain.
This mindset explains why some people struggle more with breakups. For them, a breakup isn’t just the end of a relationship—it feels like the death of a destiny. The loss isn’t just about the person; it’s about the collapse of a future they believed was written in the stars.
Even when faced with clear reasons the relationship wasn’t healthy—conflict, incompatibility or even betrayal—their belief that the relationship was “meant-to-be” keeps pulling them back.
Researchers found that these beliefs are associated with high levels of post-relationship contact and tracking (PRCT) behaviors. This includes constantly checking an ex’s social media, sending casual texts, or finding excuses to “accidentally” bump into them. It’s not just about missing the person; it’s about holding onto the belief that the relationship isn’t truly over.
In contrast, people with strong “growth beliefs” view relationships as dynamic. They believe that love isn’t just found—it’s built through effort, communication, and overcoming challenges together.
While they may still grieve a breakup deeply, they’re less likely to engage in PRCT behaviors because they understand that not every relationship is meant to last forever. For them, a breakup signals that despite their efforts, the relationship had run its course.
“Challenges to destiny beliefs might trigger deep-seated insecurities and greater emotional response about one’s value as a romantic partner, the power of one’s attractiveness and what ‘ought’ to be, rather than what one needs to earn or work toward in a partnership with another person (i.e., growth beliefs),” the researchers write.
2. You Believe That Your Ex Was ‘The One’
Closely tied to destiny beliefs is the perception of “partner fit.” This is the idea that your ex was the perfect match for you. When you believe that someone was your ideal partner, it becomes incredibly difficult to accept that the relationship is over.
Researchers found that people with strong destiny beliefs who also perceived their ex as an ideal fit were the most likely to engage in PRCT behaviors. It’s not just that they believed in soulmates; it’s that they believed they had already found theirs. This combination creates a powerful psychological cocktail—the breakup feels not just like a loss, but like a mistake that needs to be corrected.
This belief can lead to persistent efforts to re-establish contact, even when the relationship ended for good reasons. Individuals might romanticize the past, focusing on the highlights while downplaying the conflicts and incompatibilities that led to the breakup.
They may convince themselves that the relationship failed because of external circumstances rather than fundamental issues, fueling the hope that things could work out if they just tried again.
“Because those scoring high in destiny beliefs are oriented toward believing that relationship success is a by-product of finding the ‘perfect fit,’ they will be far more reluctant to ‘let go’ and thus will be motivated to engage in PRCT when perceived fit is strong,” the researchers write.
On the flip side, individuals with strong growth beliefs are less likely to be swayed by the perception of partner fit after a breakup. While they might have deeply valued the relationship, they recognize that compatibility is about more than just initial chemistry or shared interests. It’s also about how well partners grow together over time.
Understanding why you’re drawn back to an ex is the first step in breaking the cycle. If you recognize yourself in these patterns, here are a few strategies to help you move forward:
- Challenge your beliefs. Reflect on the origins and consequences of your beliefs about love and relationships. Consider how this belief might be influencing your behavior.
- Reframe the relationship. Instead of focusing on what was lost, think about what you learned from the experience. Growth-oriented thinking can help shift your perspective from “I lost my soulmate” to “I grew from this relationship.”
- Set boundaries. Reduce or eliminate contact with your ex, at least temporarily. This includes digital spaces—mute or unfollow them on social media to give yourself the emotional space needed to heal.
- Focus on the present. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of the relationship context. Reconnect with hobbies, friends and goals that might have taken a backseat during your relationship.
Breakups are never easy, and the emotional pull to return to a familiar connection can be overwhelming. However, understanding the psychological forces at play can empower you to make choices that support your long-term well-being instead of giving into your current grief. Remember, just because it feels like you’re meant to be doesn’t mean you’re meant to stay and sometimes, the greatest growth comes from letting go.
Do you adopt a growth-oriented mindset in your relationships? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Growth Mindset Scale
