“We are so lucky that you and dad are friends,” my daughter said one day while we were driving in the car. “Most of my friends say their parents can’t be in the same room together since their divorce.”
The comment left me feeling simultaneously warm and fuzzy (because I was so happy to give my kids this valuable gift) and tense and resentful (because I didn’t really consider my ex a friend). The juxtaposition of my opposing feelings in that moment pretty much sums up everything I have learned about successful co-parenting: It is incredibly challenging to execute, but when done well, it is oh-so-rewarding.
I have been divorced for 13 years, and for many of those years, I failed at co-parenting. There were regular arguments in front of the children, bitter comments about my kids’ dad and absolutely no compromise whatsoever. If dad needed to switch nights? I wasn’t going to help him. The kids wanted us both at a school event? I wasn’t going to sit anywhere near him. It was messy, tense and unpleasant.
Fast-forward 13 years, and my ex and I sit together at hockey games, celebrate the kids’ birthdays together and speak on the phone almost every day. The road to healing has been long and was ultimately paved with humility, self-awareness and intention. I must say, we did a damn good job, and along the way, I’ve learned many co-parenting lessons that also apply to life in general.
Here are five valuable lessons I’ve learned about co-parenting:
1. Set your ego aside
The ego is a powerful and dangerous thing. By ego, I mean that deep, nagging desire rooted in our hearts, souls and minds that urges us to protect our precious feelings and defend, defend, defend. We humans don’t like feeling hurt, wrong or under attack, so our default mode is to do whatever it takes to not feel that way.
In the early years of divorce, I felt like a failure as a mother, a wife and a person, and I wanted to (and did) blame anyone and everyone I could to free myself of any guilt or blame. Conversations with my ex became the perfect opportunity to take the blame off of me and put it on him, which caused tension and stress for all involved, especially the kids.
With the help of a good therapist, I learned how to put my ego aside and choose humility. Christine Farber, Ph.D., a retired psychologist and relationship coach, encourages divorced parents to work to embrace their own vulnerability. “Practice self-care and seek support from others as you work through hurt feelings. Embracing the parts of yourself that might seem weak or scary will ironically build strength as well as a greater capacity for closeness, including with your children.”
2. Proceed with intention
Once I vowed to take accountability, I set my intentions prior to every interaction with my ex: Kids first, ego last. If it wasn’t going to benefit the children, I wouldn’t speak it, not even by way of negative body language. It took practice and discipline. I just kept trying to keep all of our conversations child-focused.
According to Joseph Cavins, LMFT, a clinical director at Southern California Sunrise Recovery Center, “When both parents are focusing on what is best for the child, every discussion becomes objective, constructive and devoid of either parent’s personal interests…. Placing the child at the forefront allows them to learn how to communicate with kindness and reason, which adds to their ability to solve problems in raising children and in other areas.”
3. Be a team player
Somewhere along the way, I had the powerful epiphany that my ex-husband was and always will be the only other person in the world who loves our children the way (and as much as) I do. This powerful realization allowed me to embrace and accept our new relationship. Broken bones, bad grades and terrible heartaches are not easy to parent through alone, and while I had friends and family to lean on, they just didn’t feel the pain as deeply or have the same protective instincts we did.
So, in times of celebration and defeat, we learned to lean on each other and tackle the highs and lows of parenting together. According to Farber, even though you are no longer married, “You are still a team when it comes to parenting, and teams succeed in part by having a shared goal and respecting what each teammate contributes to the achievement of that goal.” Like it or not, the love that my ex and I have for our kids will connect us forever; we are, indeed, a team, albeit a divorced one, for life.
4. Recognize the good in others
Perhaps the single most helpful co-parenting hack I discovered was the magic of complimenting my ex in front of the kids. “Dad is so good at planning fun things for you to do. You are so lucky to have him!” Yes, the words were hard to say on those days when I was full of anger toward my ex-husband, but my kids’ eyes would light up like it was Christmas morning! “Mutual respect and acknowledgment of each other’s capabilities help to minimize rivalry and jealousy and help foster a more harmonious parenting climate,” Cavins says. He suggests taking it one step further and directly complimenting your co-parent to their face. “Through this practice, parents develop a stronger sense of gratitude and appreciation, which can make co-parenting feel less burdensome and more rewarding.” Bottom line? It’s never a bad time to be kind.
5. Maintain perspective
When things feel really hard, and you want to throw in the proverbial towel, remember, this, too, shall pass. One universal (parenting) truth is that the highs are high and the lows are low. Perhaps the lows are lower post-divorce, but the good news is that everything is temporary. The pain of those early years will dissipate. The kids’ tears at drop-off will too. Even the resentment will fade. It may come back, but it will pass again. Happiness, sadness, stress and resentment— they come and go. They simply can’t stick around forever. The key is to practice patience, self-control and forgiveness (of self and your ex) so that you and your family (and yes, that includes your co-parent) have more ups than downs, more laughter than tears and more forgiveness than resentment.
So, on those days when the going gets tough and tensions are high, take deep breaths and remind yourself that this, too, shall pass. And on the days when things are going well, make sure you are humble, kind and healed enough to enjoy it.
Photo by fizkes/Shutterstock
