Let’s be honest—most parents don’t just want to be remembered. They want to be visited.
Not out of obligation. Not just for birthdays or check-ins during the holidays. But because their kids want to be there.
If that’s something you care about as you get older, it’s worth taking a hard look at the habits that quietly push people away—even the ones you love the most.
Some of these behaviors might seem harmless. Some might even feel like they come from a good place. But if they leave your adult kids feeling drained, judged, or emotionally boxed in… well, they’re going to protect their peace. And that might mean protecting their distance, too.
So let’s talk about what to let go of—so you can hold onto the connection.
1. Guilt-tripping them when they don’t call or visit
“Wow, I guess you’re too busy for your old mom.”
It might seem like a joke. Or maybe it’s meant to be a little jab—a reminder that you notice when they’re not around.
But guilt-tripping is one of the fastest ways to make someone avoid contact.
It doesn’t matter how much love is underneath it. When every interaction is laced with passive-aggressive digs, it doesn’t feel like a warm welcome—it feels like a chore.
As Dr. Guy Winch, author of Emotional First Aid, explains, “When people feel emotionally blackmailed, they withdraw. What begins as an attempt to create closeness ends up pushing people further away.”
Instead of leading with disappointment, lead with curiosity. If they’ve been quiet, ask how they’re doing—not why they’re failing. Connection starts with care, not criticism.
2. Repeating the same complaints every time you talk
I’ve mentioned this before, but venting is fine—until it becomes your only setting.
We all need to get things off our chest. Especially when you’re dealing with aging bodies, changing neighborhoods, or feeling like the world’s moving too fast.
But if every conversation turns into a repeat broadcast of what’s wrong with your life (or theirs), your kids may start to avoid pressing “play.”
It doesn’t mean your problems aren’t valid. It just means the emotional cost of engaging starts to outweigh the warmth of connecting.
A good rule of thumb? If you’ve said it more than three times in a row, try changing the channel. Ask them what’s going on. Share something good, or something weird you read. Connection flows better when it goes both ways.
3. Dismissing their life choices or giving unsolicited advice
This one sneaks in quietly.
You think you’re helping. You’re offering the benefit of your experience. You’re just looking out for them.
But unsolicited advice often lands like low-level judgment. Especially when it’s about their career, parenting style, or romantic partner.
Statements like “You should just…” or “I never would’ve…” don’t build bridges—they build walls.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and bestselling author, puts it plainly: “When you give advice no one asked for, it can feel like you’re saying they’re not capable of figuring it out themselves.”
Try this instead: “Would you like my take, or do you just want to vent?” That one question alone can shift the tone from directive to supportive—and that makes people feel seen.
4. Refusing to adapt to new ways of communicating
This might seem small, but it matters more than you think.
If you insist that connection must happen on your terms—long phone calls at specific times, in-person visits only, no texting because “it’s not real conversation”—you’re building a wall without meaning to.
The world has changed. People have busy, scattered lives. Sometimes a quick text or meme is their way of staying in touch.
I know someone whose mom refused to learn how to text, even though her kids had offered to teach her multiple times. She’d say, “If you want to talk to me, call me.” Guess how often they called?
Adaptation shows effort. It doesn’t mean you have to become a tech wizard. It just means you’re meeting them halfway—on a platform that feels easier for them.
That effort alone says: “I want to stay connected to your world.”
5. Holding onto grudges or bringing up old wounds
There’s no bigger buzzkill during family time than the resurrection of some ancient argument.
You know the one. Maybe it’s from a decade ago. Maybe it’s from their teenage years. Maybe it’s something you never felt got resolved.
But when you keep bringing it up—or you can’t let go—it creates emotional landmines.
People start guarding themselves. Watching their words. Shortening their visits.
Psychologist Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, author of How Can I Forgive You?, reminds us: “Letting go of resentment isn’t about condoning what happened. It’s about freeing yourself from being defined by it.”
You can still have boundaries. But dragging the past into the present, especially when it’s not constructive, only makes the present feel heavy.
Forgiveness, in the practical sense, is about choosing peace over power plays.
6. Making them feel like they owe you for everything
Look, parenting is a massive investment of time, energy, and often money. No one’s denying that.
But if you constantly remind your kids how much you sacrificed—or imply they “owe” you visits for everything you gave up—it taints the relationship.
No one wants to feel like love is conditional.
A friend once told me, “Every time I visit my dad, he lists all the things he did for me growing up. I leave feeling guilty, not grateful.”
You didn’t raise your kids so they could be your emotional debt collectors. You raised them because you loved them. Keep showing that.
When people feel truly loved—not guilted—they come back more often. And they stay longer.
7. Talking only about the past
Nostalgia has a place. Sharing old stories, reliving family moments, remembering your youth—that’s all part of the glue that binds generations.
But if that’s all you talk about? It sends a quiet message: “My best days are behind me.”
That can be hard for your kids to be around. It’s not just emotionally heavy—it’s limiting.
They want to know you’re still living. That you’re learning new things, watching new shows, asking new questions, trying new recipes.
Be the person who surprises them with a new hobby or says, “Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? It’s wild.”
It keeps the energy alive. And that energy is contagious.
8. Expecting them to always come to you
This one’s both practical and emotional.
Yes, your house may feel more “home-like.” Maybe it’s where the holidays happen. Maybe it’s where you feel most comfortable.
But if you expect your kids to always bend to your location, your timing, your structure—it becomes their logistical problem.
And over time, that can wear thin.
Sometimes, it’s about offering to travel (even a little). Sometimes, it’s about being flexible with plans. Other times, it’s just making the visit feel emotionally lighter—no pressure, no hidden expectations.
As relationship coach Kyle Benson has noted, “Healthy connection requires a shared sense of safety and belonging—not a one-sided sense of obligation.”
Offer hospitality without strings. Make it easier to show up. People return to places where they feel both welcomed and free.
The bottom line
If you want your kids to come around more, focus less on what they’re doing wrong—and more on what you’re creating.
Are you building a space of emotional warmth? Are you someone they can talk to without feeling judged, scolded, or guilted? Are you still curious, still growing, still open?
The truth is, staying connected across generations takes intention. But the good news is, it’s never too late to shift the tone.
Every kind word, every small adaptation, every time you lead with love instead of control—you’re sending a signal:
“This is a space where you’re safe to just be.”
And people always come back to that.
