Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
*Chris (28) and *Feranmi (27) first noticed each other on Grindr while serving in Ibadan in 2021, but didn’t talk for weeks until boredom changed everything.
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about how an impulsive text sparked a relationship that survived NYSC flings, moving in together in Lagos, drifting apart when life got hard, and learning to grow together.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Chris: It was in April 2021, during an NYSC CDS meeting in Ibadan. Before then, I’d seen Feranmi’s profile on Grindr multiple times but never messaged. Most people I met on there just wanted sex. It was always, “Are you top or bottom? When can we meet?” So boring.
One Saturday in March, I was bored, so I messaged his account and he responded almost immediately. It seemed like he’d been lowkey waiting for me to text him.
Feranmi: I remember that day. I didn’t take Grindr seriously in Ibadan, especially for security reasons. I’m a Lagos boy; I didn’t want to get kitoed in another state. But when Chris messaged me, we chatted for almost an hour before he even asked anything flirty. That was generally rare on Grindr, Ibadan or not. So, we got into this drawn-out conversation.
What did you talk about for that long?
Chris: It started with Feranmi asking what I was doing, and I told him I was looking for a new series to binge. He suggested one, we started talking about movies we liked, and then somehow, NYSC entered the chat. That’s when we found out we were both serving in Ibadan.
Feranmi: The conversation felt really engaging, not forced like usual convos that barely made it past pleasantries and role inquiries. After that, he said we should meet at the next monthly CDS.
How did that first meeting go? Did you both show up for CDS?
Feranmi: Yes we did. Before then, we had not exchanged pictures because we didn’t want to jinx it. Conversations tend to tank on Grindr once you guys exchange photos, and we didn’t want that. After Chris got to the secretariat, he texted, “Are you around? I’m wearing a brown face cap.” I just looked for the guy in a cap, and we shook hands like two regular dudes. We hung out the whole day after that, gisting and people-watching.
Chris: I knew instantly he wasn’t like the others I’d met. There was an immediate chemistry, and a sense of comfort I couldn’t explain. I think the word is “familiar stranger”. But yeah, after CDS, we said our goodbyes and promised to hang out in a more relaxed environment.
Did that happen?
Chris: Quicker than we both expected. We got home that Friday and actually flirted for the first time. I think he said something about wanting to grab my ass so bad but had to respect boundaries since we’d only just met.
Feranmi: I told him I’d have let him. And like that, we planned another meet-up one week later at my place. We had an intense make out session that we both really needed. It had been two months plus of not getting laid in Ibadan, and we unleashed all the pent up tension on each other.
Must have been fun. How did things move from that second meeting to being together?
Chris: Honestly, we didn’t define anything. It started with sleepovers. I’d spend weekends at his place, or he’d come over. At first, it was a lot of sex, no lies. But then, we’d end up cooking together, watching films, and talking about random stuff. This continued for seven or eight months. By the time NYSC ended, it was obvious we weren’t just hookups anymore, even though we didn’t have the official dating tag.
Feranmi: We didn’t even have a proper “Will you date me?” talk. It just happened. We met each other’s friends in Ibadan, did almost everything together. By the end of 2021, everyone knew us as the NYSC besties, and we played along. Only my queer friends knew we were an item, though. To my parents, siblings and straight friends, Chris was my gift of friendship from NYSC. I remember my dad saying “ You better hold him tight. NYSC gave me some of my lifelong friendships,” when I posted pictures from our POP. That was super cute. In my head, I was like, “If only daddy knew.”
Right. You mentioned NYSC ended. What changed after that?
Feranmi: I moved back to Lagos for work. My parents already got me a role in the family business, so I didn’t have the chance to pick or delay my stay in Ibadan. Chris stayed back for his master’s, and that was when things got funny. Long distance humbled us.
Chris: At first, we really tried to make it work. We’d plan FaceTime dates and end up dozing off mid-call because we were both exhausted. We promised to visit each other once a month, but even that became hard. I remember one time I saved up to come to Lagos for a long weekend, but my supervisor scheduled a last-minute seminar and I had to cancel. We fought about that for days.
Feranmi: I get moody when I feel ignored. So, sometimes when he called, I wouldn’t pick up immediately. Or I’d reply late on WhatsApp on purpose. It was messy. We still talked, but the vibe was off. We’d both pretend we were fine, but deep down, we knew it wasn’t the same.
Chris: We even tried to spice things up — like planning staycations whenever I was in Lagos. We’d pick a cheap hotel, buy food and drinks, have lots of sex and get lost in each other. It helped, but the poor communication cycle continued once I got back to Ibadan. It was tough.
Did you guys consider breaking up?
Chris: Not really, but it felt like we were on the edge sometimes. We argued about stupid things: who should travel to visit who, why someone didn’t pick up their phone. There was a time I thought, maybe this is dying. But then we’d meet again, spend a weekend together, and remember why we liked each other.
Feranmi: We both liked each other clearly, and we just needed to figure out the long distance. I wasn’t going to break up, at least not until he was done with his master’s and fully back in Lagos. I’d be convinced we were over if we were still having the same issues. The visits helped a lot, honestly.
When did things get better?
Feranmi: I’d say late 2023, when Chris finally finished his master’s and moved back to Lagos. He didn’t want to return to his parents’ house and hadn’t saved enough to rent his own place. I’d rented a mini-flat earlier in the year and I had enough space for both of us, so I asked him to move in.
Chris: I didn’t even think twice. I’d been craving that closeness again, so I moved in almost immediately. That said, I did have some worries. You know how they say you never really know people until you’ve lived with them. I wasn’t sure what part of each other we would uncover, plus as much as he was offering to help, I couldn’t help feeling like I was encroaching on his space. It’s one thing to visit for a weekend or a week and leave, it’s another thing to move in fully without contributing anything to rent. But I kept this to myself; I didn’t tell Feranmi.
Why?
Chris: He offered me the chance to move in on his own accord. Saying all that might have come off as projecting, and I didn’t want to be that person who questions kindness, especially from someone I considered dear to my heart. I guess it was just my mind playing games on me. Anyway, I moved in November 2023.
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And how did living together go?
Feranmi: Let me just say that with distance, it’s easy to avoid some conversations. Living together means seeing everything: the good, bad, and annoying.
Chris: God abeg. Everything scattered and rearranged itself. Suddenly, I realised how different our daily lives were. I’m the neat freak; Feranmi can forget his clothes anywhere. I’m the type to plan groceries and cook; he’ll wake up and decide shawarma is dinner three nights straight.
Feranmi: I actually hate routine, but Chris loves it. At first, it caused small fights. He’d nag about dishes in the sink, and I’d complain he was too controlling about what we should eat. But gradually, we learnt to adjust — or ignore the small stuff. And about sex, I used to think living together would turn us into rabbits, but it was the opposite. I was too tired from work most days, and Chris wasn’t in the mood. He was mostly sad about rejection emails, and buried himself in scholarship applications. We realised we needed to be intentional about other ways to feel connected — so, more talking, cuddling, random movie dates when possible.
Chris: And giving each other space, too. Living together doesn’t mean being in each other’s faces 24/7. I think that’s what saved us from killing each other.
Speaking of, have you guys had a major fight yet?
Feranmi: We’ve had a few. One that I remember closely was about chores. After work, I’d be too tired to wash the plates or sweep. I’d tell myself, “I’ll do it tomorrow,” but I wouldn’t. By morning, Chris would be fuming.
Chris: It wasn’t even about the mess; it was more about how it made me feel. I’d just finished my master’s, but I had no job yet, and I was basically squatting in Feranmi’s house. So I thought he left things undone because he saw me as the “jobless one” who should clean up. It built up resentment I didn’t know how to communicate. One night, we argued so badly that I packed a bag and went to crash at a friend’s.
Feranmi: I was shocked. I didn’t know it was that bad to warrant him sleeping out. He called me from there and ranted about how I was making him feel like a houseboy, and I didn’t even know what to say because there were some truths to his argument. It didn’t matter if my actions were intentional or not.
Chris: And then there was an episode with his childhood friend. Feranmi said he needed a week in Lagos for an interview. Fine. But our place is small; so small that we all ended up on the same bed. I’d wake up at 2 a.m. and see the guy curled up next to Feranmi, sometimes so close it felt like they were spooning. Once, I swear he touched me by mistake. It made my skin crawl. But because I was the “squatter”, I didn’t feel I could say much without sounding ungrateful. When we talked, everything I feared happened. He said I was asking him not to extend kindness to other people in his life.
How did you resolve these issues, and what did they teach you about handling conflict in your relationship?
Feranmi: After that fight, I had to check myself. I realised I was taking advantage of the fact that Chris didn’t really have a say because technically, it was “my” house. It wasn’t fair. We sat down and talked about how to share the load. Now we divide chores properly, and we pay someone to clean for weeks when work is hectic.
The thing with the friend — I knew Chris was uncomfortable, but he didn’t say it outright. He bottled it up until it blew. I think that taught both of us that silence is dangerous. Now, if something annoys me, I don’t wait. I say it, even if it’s awkward.
Chris: For me, it was humbling. I had to learn that leaving resentment to fester does more damage than just saying, “Hey, I don’t like this.” I was so focused on not wanting to look like the ungrateful squatter that I made myself miserable.
These days, I don’t keep things. I speak up if I feel a certain way, and Feranmi listens. Same for him. It’s made us fight less and understand each other faster. Living together is still chaotic sometimes, but at least we’re honest about our feelings. That’s our biggest win so far.
Fair enough. Are your families aware that you live together? Particularly, are they aware of this relationship?
Feranmi: Not exactly. My parents think Chris is just my good friend from NYSC who needed a place in Lagos for a while. It helps that he’s polite and respectful whenever they visit, so they don’t suspect anything. My siblings probably know, but everyone minds their business.
Chris: Same here. My folks think I got a place with a “friend” from Ibadan who also moved to Lagos. It’s easier that way than explaining that I moved in with my boyfriend. But sometimes it’s weird, you know? We do all this to protect ourselves, but it means hiding one of the best parts of my life.
I hope one day we won’t have to pretend.
What’s the best thing about being with each other?
Chris: Coming home to someone who gets you. After a bad day, we lie on the floor, watch trash TV and laugh. He’s my peace.
Feranmi: Same for me. Life is chaotic, but I can forget everything when we are together. Plus, Chris is super smart, funny and kind. I like him a lot.
Sweet. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Feranmi: I’ll say 9 because no matter what, it feels good to know that this is my person.
Chris: 8. The missing two is because we still fight about chores, and I wish we could be free in public.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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