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Dear Family Beef,
[My] bipolar adult daughter who may also have narcissistic personality disorder has announced that she’s cutting off all contact with her wonderful parents (as I would describe us) which means also cutting off contact with grandchildren.
I have reached out and spoken to a therapist about this situation and have been told there’s nothing that can be done. Do you agree?
Cut Off & Crushed
First off, I do want to take a minute to acknowledge that the situation you’re in must be incredibly difficult for you. To have someone you love decide they don’t want to continue being in contact is hard enough without having to miss your grandkids, too. The fact that you took the step of seeing a therapist suggests that you’re relatively receptive to mental health care and maybe even want to work on this relationship on your end — that’s not something that can be said for every family!
But, that said, I’m going to give you a little bit of tough love, along with some moral support and advice from experts. A recurring theme we’re going to find in these columns is that multiple things can be (and are) true at once. That means that while you can be a person who values the connection you have with your daughter and her children, and you’re hurting, there can also be a world in which her choice makes sense (and most importantly, it makes sense to her).
Why People Might Cut Off Contact
First, you need to understand that the choice to cut off contact with a loved one is rarely an easy one —and in cases where both parties want connection and reconciliation, it can also be a temporary one. Especially when someone is working with a therapist, the decision is usually made after trying out nearly every other option and approach to ask for a change in the relationship.
Think about when you have a long argument with someone and need to walk away for a minute because you’re repeating yourself and they aren’t getting it, and it feels like there’s nothing productive either of you can say. It can be a lot like that.
“It’s often the result of deep reflection, countless conversations and many attempts to communicate with care and compassion,” Saba Harouni Lurie, owner and founder of Take Root Therapy, told HuffPost. “The clients I’ve worked with who ultimately decide to go no contact typically do so only after trying to approach their family members from every possible angle. They’ve expressed their needs, set boundaries and opened themselves up in hopes of repair — only to feel repeatedly dismissed, hurt and disempowered. They’re not looking to sever ties; in fact, most desperately want the relationship to be different. But after exhausting their efforts, they come to recognize that they cannot change how their family relates to them, and staying in the dynamic causes more harm than good.”
Odds are, at least from your daughter’s perspective, this could be another attempt to ask you for a change in how you meet each other in your relationship— and she is very likely devastated, too. There might have been a series of conflicts about the same recurring issues leading up to this decision.
In some cases, there’s emotional or physical abuse or trauma at the core of the decision — either from a family member or because they felt their family didn’t protect and support them during that time.
“For these clients, continued contact can become a source of re-traumatization, especially when those responsible can’t take accountability or even acknowledge the harm,” Harouni Lurie said. “It becomes too painful and damaging to remain in [a] relationship with people who haven’t been able to show them the care they need. Choosing to go no contact, in these situations, is not about punishment or revenge, but it’s an act of self-preservation and protection.”
Getting Curious > Getting Furious
We are working with minimal intel here with the brevity in your note, but what stood out to me (and the experts I spoke with) was the phrasing out of the gate: “Bipolar adult daughter who may also have narcissistic personality disorder” as the way to refer to your adult child, and only “wonderful parents” to describe yourselves.
To an outside listener, these descriptors feel a little bit like you’re dismissing her concerns (whatever they are) because of the diagnoses she may or may not have. And, in the least charitable light, this could hint that you aren’t really in a place to take accountability for your part in the story or your own behavior, and that maybe you’re not ready to be open and curious to address the heart of the conflict with your daughter.
We, as adults, can all admit there are things we’ve done that we regret: words we’ve said that weren’t as kind or loving as we’d want them to be, and decisions we would take back if given the chance. I can’t imagine, no matter how “wonderful” you consider yourself to be as a parent, that you don’t also have those moments. And I can’t see a world where her opinions about the way she was raised or the way you speak to her don’t matter.
“I know that parents try their best and love their children, but the fact is that we all make mistakes,” said Shay Dubois, a trauma therapist and clinical social worker at Overcome Anxiety & Trauma with Shay. “One important part is to own their part in the situation. To start from a place of love and want of connection. It is also important to talk with a professional to work through the frustration, anger and grief. It is a huge loss.”
For Grandparents Going Through It
Especially for grandparents, processing and acknowledging this grief is crucial in being able to take on the next part of your journey — whatever it ultimately is. My hope is there are ways you can reassure your grandchildren of your love without violating their mother’s boundaries. And, of course, you’re still worthy of love, support and connection, even if you’re in conflict with the people you love most.
“In the case of grandparents, the pain can be especially deep. When a family member goes no contact, particularly when it involves both a parent and a child, it can feel like multiple losses all at once,” Harouni Lurie said. “These types of losses can be heartbreaking and disorienting. It is painful to feel shut out of your family, especially when you do not feel you had a say in what happened. I would encourage grandparents in this position to allow themselves to grieve and to offer themselves as much compassion as they can.”
You are allowed to be hurt and frustrated and angry when you’re in conflict, and you can absolutely have those feelings about this situation. It’s OK to be baffled and confused, because you don’t live in your daughter’s head or have her lived experience and don’t “get” it.
But saying those feelings are allowed to exist (to be felt and understood by you, the person feeling them) is not the same as saying those feelings should be prioritized over your daughter’s feelings, or externalized at her in a toxic way that goes against whatever boundaries she’s given you.
“It is OK if the feelings are messy. Therapy can be a helpful space to process these emotions, to receive support and to begin exploring the relationship from different perspectives,” Harouni Lurie said. “Sometimes this leads to new insight, and sometimes it simply helps someone make peace with what is beyond their control.”
Is There Really Nothing You Can Do?
Now, to go back to your question: Is there really nothing you can do?
The answer is both yes and no.
There is nothing you can do to debate, berate or negotiate her out of her decision or her feelings. You cannot make someone talk to you, see you or otherwise want to be close to you when they don’t through sheer force of will. There’s no convincing someone that they weren’t actually hurt or that their hurts aren’t that bad.
“It’s true that you can’t make someone be in relationship with you if they’ve chosen not to be,” Harouni Lurie said. “Trying to force contact or dismiss their decision will likely reinforce the reasons they felt the need to step away in the first place. So in that sense, yes, there may be ‘nothing you can do’ to change their mind and engage again. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do at all.”
There are things you, a person with agency and love for your family, can do. And your first step of getting in touch with a therapist to talk about this, as you mentioned in your note, is huge.
Having a professional third party outside of you and your family as a trustworthy sounding board can do a lot to help prevent miscommunication and further strife.
And for anyone who is therapy-skeptical: A therapist will never tell you what to do, but will help you learn some strategies for understanding your own feelings, communicating them and figuring out what steps might help you work toward the outcome you want. That may include advice on how to send a communication that could open the door to reconciling.
Assuming that your daughter is working on her side of street to advocate for herself and figure out how a relationship with you could work, it could be an opportunity to meet her in the middle. Is there an opportunity here for you to grow in this silence, too? Is there work you can put in now to honor and regulate your emotions and practice empathy (it’s a muscle, baby!) and kindness for both yourself and your daughter? How can you, if you are able to pick up this conversation with your daughter again, do it in a more effective, loving way?
“Respecting the other person’s boundaries doesn’t mean silencing your own experience. It’s possible to honor their needs while also tending to your own pain and doing the work of self-reflection,” Harouni Lurie said. “That might involve therapy, journaling, talking with trusted loved ones, or just allowing the necessary space. … On a practical level, it can be helpful to lean on tools that support regulation. That might look like taking walks, spending time in nature, journaling, or talking with people who are safe and supportive. Writing letters that you do not intend to send can be a meaningful way to move through strong emotions and to put words to the pain.” There’s a lot that you can do.
If you are unwilling to make any changes in how you approach the dynamic with your child — to consider what conditions you both need to feel love and respected, and to acknowledge her feelings with love (even if they don’t paint you in a particularly wonderful light), among other things — then you could remain at this impasse for some time. And there might, in fact, be nothing you can do.
