How to Fix a Relationship at Work After Conflict: Experts

Last week saw Elon Musk and President Donald Trump go from bromance to breakup.

The scale and potential repercussions of the argument between the commander in chief and the world’s richest man, who was until recently a special government employee and White House advisor, were much different than those of the average person.

But, while the pair’s relationship is not analogous to the everyday superior and subordinate, the conflict raises the familiar question: how do you navigate a tense relationship at work?

Business Insider spoke with five experts in workplace culture and conflict resolution, from career coaches to behavioral neurologists, to get their best tips.

“First things first: to the extent that you can, take a walk around the block, get a cup of coffee, draft an angry email — but don’t send it, because you’ll probably regret it the next day,” Kathryn Landis, an executive coach and New York University professor of marketing and public relations, told Business Insider.

Then, as soon as you’ve cooled down, set a time on the calender to talk face-to-face. Letting a workplace conflict fester is a common mistake, Marlo Lyons, a career coach, told BI.

“That creates awkwardness, it creates distance, and it’s never going to end well, so you just have to ask for a quick one-on-one,” Lyons said. “It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out conversation, but you really want to show that you respect the relationship by having that conversation sooner than later.”

Don’t pretend there’s not a problem

Once you’ve started the conversation, it’s important to avoid “the tendency to over-apologize because you’re understandably anxious about your job,” negotiation expert and senior fellow at Harvard Law School Robert Bordone told Business Insider.

But, while you want to cool things off, you should still try to “manage up” and speak your mind about what’s bothering you, each of the experts agreed.

“The danger in just saying mea culpa is you might get out of the situation, but you’re in something that’s unhealthy — and from your boss’s perspective, they don’t even know how unhappy you are because you never told them,” Bordone said. “Then you’re setting up a longer-term bad pattern that doesn’t serve you, the boss, or the organization’s interest.”

Ryan Leak, an executive coach and the author of “How to Work With Complicated People: Strategies for Effective Collaboration with (Nearly) Anyone,” suggested rehearsing a few phrases to overcome the tension.

The first is practicing some intellectual humility and acknowledging out loud, “I could be wrong,” Leak said.

“When you subscribe to the ‘I could be wrong’ mantra, what you’re saying is, ‘Hey, I’ve got a story in my head that I fully believe, but I’m also going to make space for your story, because I realized that my story feels very true to me, but at the same time, it’s only one side of story,'” Leak said.

You want to strike a collaborative tone and “focus on the ‘in-group’ element,” said behavioral neurologist Joel Salinas, because you’re both on the same team. Bordone, the Harvard negotiation expert, and Salinas are coauthors of the book “Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In.”

Salinas added that it’s also important to show that you’re interested in learning from the experience to do better in the future and that you want to work on a resolution together.

Leak suggested making that desire explicit with the phrase “I want us to have a thriving working relationship.”

“It’s OK to be a little bit vulnerable and say, ‘Hey, let’s have this really awkward conversation that I’ve been ignoring for a very long time, because I do want to have a thriving working relationship with you. And so, how do we move forward with that?'” Leak said.

From there, you can lay out what bothered you in the initial conflict and what you need from the relationship, Leak added.

From there, let it go — or plan for your exit

While the initial conversation may be challenging, the really difficult part comes next, said career coach Lyons. You’ve got to try to let it go.

“You’ve got to start that conversation, but then you need to continue the relationship without harping on it,” Lyons said. “You don’t want to harp on it in every one-on-one. You’re trying to reconnect with them, reconnect with the mission, reconnect with what the performance expectations are.”

Just because you’ve cleared the air doesn’t mean this time there won’t be tension in the future. So when you find yourself getting riled up again, try to take your emotions out of it and turn your boss’s bad habits into a game.

“If you know the other person is going to come back at you with some kind of dig or loaded comment, turn it into a game,” Landis, the NYU professor, said. “Try to count how many digs it takes for her to say something nice. Make it a game and it becomes less personal.”

Of course, if it gets to that point, you should probably also brush up your résumé — and always stay networking, Landis added. Going scorched earth may feel good in the short term, but depending on your industry, you may need that person later, so think long-term when planning your exit, and try to keep your composure even if you find the differences irreconcilable.

At the end of the day, remember conflicts are “very natural” and some disagreement is inevitable in any relationship, said Salinas.

“Without conflict, there is no connection,” he said.