“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama
I had been caught in a web of unhappiness for several months some time ago.
During those months, each morning looked the same. I would open my eyes, sigh in misery, and sit at the edge of the bed for a few minutes to mentally prepare myself for yet another day. It took all the energy within me, which was little, to stand up and go about the day.
Although I was unhappy for many months, I had come a long way in healing from severe anxiety. I experienced mild anxiety here and there, but severe anxiety was a distant memory and feeling.
About a few months into feeling unhappy, thoughts began to multiply and scatter, my jaw tightened, my breaths shallower and more shortened, my hands shaky, and my body heavy.
One morning, I felt a bit different than usual. I still sat at the edge of the bed for a few minutes, but this time, I felt dizzy and nauseous. I knew I wasn’t well. I felt like I really needed a day to simply be and do nothing, so I called in sick to work. However, that day, the distant memory and feeling of severe anxiety felt closer than ever.
The first half of the day, I found myself all over the house—upstairs, downstairs, and on the front patio, trying to escape the anxiousness by cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, and scrolling through social media.
I went from needing to do nothing to doing anything that would distract me from the mental and physical pain anxiety brought about.
Then, halfway through the day, I went upstairs to put away clean laundry. As I walked back downstairs, I felt the urge to sit down on one of the steps in the middle of the staircase. There it was. The severe anxiety attack creeping up to the surface to finally release itself. My heart rate increased. My lips quivered. I dropped a tear, then two, and then countless. I cried in agony.
I reached my arms out, lifted my hands up, and said with a stutter, “Please,” begging the universe to spare me from the mental anguish.
About fifteen minutes later, the anxiety dissipated, but I stayed put for an additional thirty minutes, staring down the steps with a blank mind, before I went about the rest of the day with a blank mind, too.
For the next few days, I felt more hopeless than unhappy. I dragged myself through the days. The only time I looked forward to was the evenings, when I could lie in bed, not having to do anything. It was the highlight of my days because I felt safe hiding in bed, where the silence and darkness were comforting.
After a few days, one late afternoon, as I was unloading the dishwasher, my husband came into the kitchen and said, “Something isn’t right in the universe.”
This is our way of trying to figure out why the other is out of balance when we can’t quite put a finger on what the other is feeling and why.
I replied, “I’m okay,” as I continued to unload the dishwasher.
He turned me around to face him, but I kept looking down, and he further said, “You haven’t been okay for a while now.”
I stayed quiet for a minute before I looked up at him and replied, “Yeah, I’ve been unhappy for a while now…I don’t know why.”
He instantly hugged me.
At first, still feeling hopeless, I didn’t hug him back. But after a few minutes, I began to feel more unhappy again. My eyes heavily watered before I broke down crying and hugged my husband back as tight as I could.
He said, “It’s okay; let it out.”
I collected myself and leaned against the dishwasher.
My husband held my hands and asked, “Why are you unhappy?”
It was the first time in several months that I thought about it rather than only feeling it.
I said, “I’m just tired. I feel drained. I go to work, cook, clean, and repeat. Is this it? Is this life?”
He replied, “It seems like you aren’t nourishing your soul.”
I was quiet.
We looked at each other for a few moments as he continued to hold my hands.
I said, “Thank you, honey,” as I hugged him once more as tight as I could.
What he said was all I needed to hear to realize I was in survival mode. I wasn’t prioritizing what sparks my happiness, what helps me thrive, and what nourishes my soul. I was letting surviving take precedence over thriving.
I enjoy looking for and trying new dessert recipes. I enjoy browsing around in bookstores and reading. I enjoy writing and sharing personal reflections, fictional stories, and uplifting advice. I enjoy spending time outdoors, especially surrounded by nature. I enjoy taking a road trip to visit my family, who are a six-hour drive up North from where I live. I enjoy hanging out with my husband and dog.
But, for several months, I did none of the above.
I was consumed by the day-to-day routine of working, cooking, and cleaning, which took up all my time. I was stuck in a cycle of only being and doing what helped me survive.
My unhappiness was simply the soul, home to the light, joy, love, and peace within, crying for nourishment.
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The feeling of unhappiness is common for many of us.
Often, when we talk to other people about our unhappiness, it’s difficult to pinpoint the cause, and the typical responses don’t help us figure it out. People say things like, “You should be happy that you have a roof over your head and food on your table.” Or, “You should be happy that you’re better off than some others in the world.”
The responses only reflect that we’re meeting our survival needs.
But just because we’re surviving doesn’t mean it should make us happy.
Survival mode nourishes our physical body, but if we don’t nourish our soul, it can still bring about a lifeless feeling.
It’s important that, despite needing to do things that help us survive, like working full-time for a paycheck and cooking meals to fuel our bodies, we create time and space to do things that nourish our souls and help us thrive, too.
Here are three simple practices that have helped me do just that.
1. Start with joy.
I reflected on what truly sparked joy within me. Even if I must dig a little, deep down, I know what I enjoy doing. I thought about when I’m most present, what makes me smile and laugh, and when I feel light and at ease. It’s what checks off all of those boxes that nourish my soul, igniting the light, joy, love, and peace within me.
2. Write it down.
I found an old journal I received as a birthday gift years ago. On top of the first blank page, I wrote “Accomplishments” as the title instead of “To-Do” because I wanted to manifest what nourishes my soul and write it into existence.
I listed five things—write every day (i.e. newsletter or journal), practice self-care every day (i.e. stretch or apply a face mask), read twice a week, take a nature walk twice a week, and have fun once a week (i.e. try a new dessert recipe, sew, or make a DIY candle). I focused on what I knew I could create time and space for. I check in with myself periodically to add to or subtract from the list as I heal, learn, and grow to remain in alignment with my soul’s calling.
3. Take action and remain consistent.
I try my best to intentionally create time and space in the week for everything I’ve listed down, and every Sunday, I read over my Accomplishments to note what I could or couldn’t and do. If for any reason I couldn’t do one or more of what I’ve listed, I prioritize it for the next week.
If there’s a regular pattern of missing one or more things, I simply subtract it from the list to not get down on myself for not accomplishing it and focus on what I did and can continue to accomplish instead. This check-in helps me create time and space to nourish my soul and remain consistent.
While we must do things that help us survive, we don’t have to lose ourselves in survival mode. We can work, clean, cook, and do any other daily task alongside nourishing our soul.
Surviving always finds a way to take precedence over thriving, so it’s important to intentionally create time and space for what nourishes our soul, as it often gets pushed to the back burner. When we nourish our soul, we wake up with an uplifted spirit and energy to go about the day and feel happier as a result.
About Jasmine Randhawa
Jasmine Randhawa is a writer, creative, author of a self-published children’s picture book, and former personal injury law paralegal. With almost a decade of education and experience in research, writing, and working with many who suffered from stress, anxiety, trauma, and loss, she now shares work around embracing the journey through pain and suffering to harvest the sweetness of life with more presence, joy, and peace. See more of her work at: https://linktr.ee/Jasminekaurtoday.
