It started in the summer of 2020. The girlies were inside because we didn’t have a choice. Then something interesting happened – 2021 came, outside was open, but this time, the girls were choosing to stay home. You may have noticed it in your friend group or on your social media feeds: talks of divesting from the male gaze, getting into therapy, an uptick in random hobbies, and the fact that everyone started training for a marathon of some sort.
We’ve long grown past the romanticization of summer flings and overanalyzing texts in the group chat, and have moved into an era of relationship building that is much more nourishing. It’s a beautiful act of self-love. And while angry podcast hosts certainly have their opinions on women being single by choice, experts are slow-clapping.
Black women are still dating, we’re just choosing to date differently and date less because we’ve experienced peace.
“The beautiful thing about the pandemic for Black women is that they got to stay home. Home is safe, and peace can be very addicting. The peace that they received was not just from the dating world, it was also from the corporate world,” says dating and relationship coach Anwar White.
For many people, 2020 was a time of seclusion where we were forced to look inwards and experience our own uninterrupted energy, perhaps for the first time. “Peleton was huge. Everyone was in their exercise bag. Everyone was baking bread, which was a more feminine and energetic action. It allowed Black women to explore different parts of themselves that they didn’t really have the chance to previously, and that stuck with a lot of people,” White adds.
Now, five years later, those habits and the soft landing they created are still shaping how women choose to show up in their love lives, and which relationships they prioritize.
“When a woman commits to deep inner work and reconnects with her true essence, her priorities and standards shift, making her less available for anything that doesn’t align with her growth. This strengthens her self-worth and reduces the need for external validation,” says transformational coach Idil Khair. “Simply put, when a woman trusts herself and invests in her healing, she’d rather embrace empowered solitude than settle for an unfulfilling relationship.”
The consistent theme of 2020 and beyond was Healed Girl Energy, be it through traditional therapy methods, travel and self-care, or health and wellness pursuits. Women, and Black women in particular, learned what it’s like to feel safe in their bodies and secure in their presence.
And that changed everything.
It’s not that the girlies aren’t dating, it’s that they are dating less and more exclusively. One of the biggest changes White noticed is that many of his clients are choosing abstinence in relationships and are less likely to have casual sex because of rising STI rates and the lack of proper medical care Black women receive. And while pop culture has tried adamantly to convince us that the worst thing a woman can be in her 30s and beyond is single, research says otherwise. According to a recent study, the two happiest populations are actually single women and married men.
For Khair, those statistics play out in her coaching sessions regularly. “Single women often seem happier because they’re no longer burdened by partners with potential,” she says. “Meanwhile, married men typically choose exactly what they want and show that they value alignment and clarity from the start. The goal isn’t to avoid relationships, but to transform how we approach them, so alignment, not survival, becomes the standard.”
White agrees and thinks that for those looking for love, it may be time to get back outside, with a few caveats to protect the peace that’s been carefully curated.
“Even though a lot of women are really focusing on themselves and enriching their friendship circles, I think it’s a very human need to want to be in partnership,” he says. “In leaning into these other areas (like hobbies, self-care, etc), yes it feels good, yes it feels safe, but one of the things I’m still hearing a lot of is ‘even though I’m doing this and protecting my peace there’s still this desire to not date, but be in a relationship.’”
So how is a healed girl meant to find love, when it feels like protecting your peace means staying off the apps and away from dating in general?
“You have to do something different for a different result. A lot of people think staying in their cocoon keeps their peace, but if you are dating and you are being affected by how these men operate, then you’ve never had true peace to begin with,” says White.
“The things that come up with you while you’re dating need to be healed, so that you can continue dating and find your person. For many of my clients, it takes them six to nine months to find their person, but most people will quit in the first week or two to three weeks because they get triggered. A lot of it is inner child wounds,” he says. Instead of avoiding what triggers you, White recommends understanding your wounds so that you can find and accept the love you’re deserving of.
