Financial compatibility isn’t often a top priority when it comes to committing to someone—but it should be. Along with ensuring that you’re aligned on key life decisions, like whether marriage and kids are on the table or not, it’s crucial to know that you and your partner are on the same page financially. Otherwise, you’ll risk trouble down the line.
However, this discussion isn’t always so simple. Talking bluntly about finances can be awkward enough that couples might dodge the conversation entirely.
“Couples are much more willing to talk about their sex life than their finances,” says Jay Zigmont, Ph.D., a certified financial planner (CFP) and the founder of Childfree Wealth®. “If you look at the number one reason for divorce, it’s infidelity. And number two is money…. Most of your success with finance has to do with your behaviors [and] your money scripts…. The challenge is most adults don’t even realize the money scripts they’re using.”
Your money mindset matters more than you think
Zigmont goes on to explain how frequently he comes across couples who have opposing money mindsets. One person might have a scarcity mindset that leaves them concerned about running out of money—and as a result, they tend to compulsively save—but they marry someone who has an abundance mindset and enjoys spending their money. Conflict then arises because each feels as though the other is acting contrary to their own goals and beliefs.
“In an ideal world, they’d each rub off on each other, [where] the scarcity person [gets] a little more abundance and the abundance person [gets] a little more scarcity,” Zigmont says. “You’ve got to be talking to your spouse about it [or] you’ll just build up resentment…. The numbers [and] the math are less important [than if you have] the same set of goals and [if you’re] there to support each other.”
It’s also relevant to note the extent to which our upbringing and family lives impact our attitudes toward money. “A lot of it is shaped in childhood, and it can even be intergenerational,” says Rivka Hadar, clinical psychologist at The Wellness Evolution. “If there has been real financial deprivation,… times when there’s been food on the table and times when there hasn’t been, of course that’s going to affect us…. [But] somebody who’s grown up with a silver spoon in their mouth… may not even notice how much things cost…. They could even be a bit careless [with money].”
But just because two people have different money mindsets doesn’t mean they’re doomed to incompatibility based on finances alone. “The beauty of a relationship is working through those differences,” Hadar explains. “If we don’t share essential values, it becomes incompatible. But if we can work through the differences… and come to common ground, that’s when it becomes compatible.”
Approaching awkward conversations can be easier with third-party help
Unfortunately, the prospect of raising such an awkward conversation means most couples avoid it, to their own detriment. However, enlisting the support of a third-party facilitator could be an easier way to bring up these conversations.
According to Hadar, a psychologist—especially one with experience working with couples—can help you tackle the root of the emotional component to money talks. “Often when things are going pear-shaped, it can feel like two people on different islands. [You need] somebody to facilitate that and say, ‘Wait a second. We’re not enemies here. Let’s listen to both sides’ and… help you hear what the other person is saying, because sometimes what you hear is not what the other person has said.”
Zigmont also advises enlisting a CFP, even if it’s just so you can pin the blame on someone for telling you to ask the difficult questions. “I love people blaming me,” he laughs. “There’s a general rule in coaching or planning that says you can’t coach somebody who’s seen you naked… a tongue-in-cheek way of saying you can’t teach your spouse…. [But] I can ask the tough questions that they don’t want to ask each other…. They want to ask it, but they can’t say the words.”
Ground rules and patience are essential when talking finances
If you’re keen on trying to navigate these conversations without support, Hadar has several recommendations. “Set up the rules beforehand,” she says. “We’re going to be talking about something really difficult [that] could bring up a lot of emotions—[so] let’s figure out a way of recognizing when [the conversation is] becoming unhelpful and kind of saying, ‘Okay, we’ll restart this. We’ll address this again when we’re more ourselves.’”
She also advises approaching the discussion as an exploration and acknowledging that this is just one conversation of many more to come. Because of this, deciding on goals before having the conversation is essential. She suggests asking, “’What is it that we both want? [Do] we want to come out of this [as] a couple [with] a way forward?’”
Finally, Hadar advises slowing down, despite the urgency that tends to crop up when having these important conversations. By tabling the conversation for a few days, couples can reduce that urgency. “[We need to slow] it down so that we can really listen,” she says. “Our whole fear mechanism in our body and mind takes over [when things seem too urgent], and then we can’t really explore it or listen or be a collaborative partner.”
If you’re feeling self-conscious about the amount of problems you’re bringing to the table, try to cut yourself some slack. “We all bring baggage to a relationship, whether it’s finances, life, work or family,” Zigmont explains. However, a healthy sense of realism is important too. “If you go into the relationship and expect [someone] to change, there’s very little likelihood [it will happen]…. And that just causes resentment,” he adds. “People like to say… ‘Love’s gonna make it better,’ [but] it doesn’t fix [financial] problems.”
Financially incompatible couples still have a shot
Even if two people seem financially incompatible, they still have a chance to work through their differences.
“If two people… are brave enough to face the nooks and crannies of themselves… there’s incredible hope,” Hadar says. “We all want to run away from discomfort—it’s just bodily natural…. But if we work through it… that’s what helps a couple get to the next level. And that’s where you see beautiful things… in a relationship [where] people feel more connected and understood.”
Photo by Yuri A/Shutterstock.com
