It’s been almost three years since I started working. In that time and in the blink of an eye, I’ve grown into an entirely different person (for better or worse)—whom friends and acquaintances from years prior don’t fully recognize anymore.
Whether that’s maturity and growth, or the dead eyes and fatigue they sense—who knows?—I’d say the transformation began much earlier.
Since 2020, I’ve lived three different lifetimes: the me during college, the me during and after the pandemic, and the me who entered the workforce. Memories of the pandemic may be well behind most, but I’ll always regard it as the beginning of my downward spiral—the weight gain, the burnout, and the disappearance of my dreams—the impetus of my decline. But I digress. I’ve long stopped blaming a bygone disease for the person I’ve become. I’m not the only one who went through that, after all.
Writing for a publication was not my first choice for a career either. I don’t dislike it, and nor do I feel stuck in it. In fact, I find a lot of excitement and fulfillment in it. But, truth be told, I only found myself here because I didn’t know where else to go. I took up a political science degree in hopes of pursuing law. I didn’t, because it didn’t feel right—nothing else does. But, I couldn’t just stop and do nothing. The world wouldn’t wait for my soul-searching.
Suck it up, you’re not the only one who went through that. Move, the world wouldn’t wait for you. Those are the lies I told myself.
READ: You won’t be everything you want in college. How do you deal with it?
On thoughts and dreams
But over the past three years, I’ve come to realize that I’m not the only one telling myself lies to keep moving forward. Reality is often disappointing after all, and only looking at that is sure to bring anybody down.
Frequent commutes aboard the train grant me the view of the Filipino workforce at its rawest. A sales representative running late and frantically calling their impatient boss. A medical worker—weary from an overnight shift. Your run-of-the-mill office worker watching a K-drama after a long work day. Whatever the case may be—and not to say I speak for every soul I’ve come across with in my morning commutes—it’s safe to say that not all of them are where they want to be.
Whether they aspired to become an artist but abandoned all creativity for the sake of providing for their loved ones, or they hoped to one day fly across the continent but couldn’t due to personal or financial limitations, these are people who’ve cast aside their dreams in service of another need.
And yet, that doesn’t make the life they currently have anything less than the what-if they could’ve gotten.
Finding our “why”
Life is spent searching for and discovering our “why.” Some never do, while others are unlucky enough to be kept from it. Truth be told, recognizing where we are and how much we dislike it only makes us acknowledge how nothing is going our way—that we have nothing else going for us.
But recognizing that and continuing to move forward each and every day, even without the means to change your fate? That takes real and commendable strength.
At your late 30s and stuck at a dead-end job you never imagined staying at—who knows if you’ll ever land that dream career shift you’ve always wanted, but in all likelihood, it’s all you’ve got. And what would you rather do? Wallow in self-pity in thought of what could’ve been? Or tie your shoes, look at what’s in front of you, and get ready for the next day.
Though it may sound pitiful to some, that in itself deserves its respect.
