Marriage comes with terms and conditions, some of which aren’t mentioned in any vows or contracts. … [+]
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Modern society has idealized the concept of marriage to the point where many people enter it with rose-colored glasses. The reality, however, is that it isn’t always a seamless, harmonious passage.
Marriage is beautiful, yes, but it’s also rife with complications. For those who aren’t therapists or counselors, the classic conflicts that arise—often sooner than later—can feel like an unwelcome surprise. And, if you’re unprepared, these challenges can be just as jarring years down the line.
To truly thrive in your relationship, you need to accept two key marriage realities first. Once you embrace them, you’ll find yourself better equipped to handle the inevitable ebbs and flows—and to take them in stride.
1. You Need A Natural 5:1 Ratio
Drs. John and Julie Gottman emphasize the importance of incorporating the “5:1 ratio” into a marriage. Specifically, their ratio theory suggests that for every negative interaction a couple has, there should be at least five positive interactions to buffer these effects.
In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s 1994 book on marital processes and outcomes included a study that confirmed this. No matter the nature of a negative interaction, the relationship will remain stable so long as the ratio stays at 5:1. But, if the ratio drops to under 1:1—specifically, anywhere below 0.8:1—the partnership is at risk of instability.
Anyone with awareness of the “magical” ratio will likely attempt to capitalize on it within their marriage. For any instance of defensiveness, criticism, passive-aggression or hostility, they’ll likely push to counteract it with compliments, physical affection or acts of service. However, the 5:1 ratio may fall flat if these buffers are insincere.
Conflict is a given in any relationship; it’s natural and unavoidable. Positive interactions, however, should be just as natural. If you feel the need to shoehorn five meaningless hugs, kisses, thank you’s or compliments into your routine to make up for conflict, then it likely won’t act much as a buffer. Instead, it will feel bromidic for you both.
Love and affection shouldn’t need to be tallied, scored and tracked—nor should it be neatly limited to five. If anything, it should be an abundant, unconscious norm. The true magic of the 5:1 ratio will only be effective if the positive interactions are genuine—that is, they should be bona fide displays of affection, not mitigation strategies.
The reality here is that no roster of positive interactions can truly compensate for conflict if those interactions are approached as mere preventative measures. Love and care cannot be reduced to a checklist; they must flow naturally from a place of genuine affection and respect. If the effort to “balance the ratio” feels transactional, you risk spoiling the very intimacy and connection it’s meant to protect.
Caring for your partner shouldn’t feel like a rigid, forced task; it needs to be accepted and embraced as a norm. The 5:1 ratio only works in conjunction with authentic goodwill—something that can only be developed organically, without ulterior motive.
2. You Need To Balance Competing Priorities
Esther Perel, psychotherapist and renowned relationship expert, often makes reference to the role of competing priorities in romantic relationships—describing relationships themselves as “cauldrons of contradictory longings.”
In simpler terms, marriage is built upon tensions. “Safety and excitement, grounding and transcendence, the comfort of love and the heat of passion,” mentions Perel. These are only a few of the dichotomies that you will face in a long-term relationship, and on each end lies something vital to the health of your relationship. However, each of them will pull you in opposite directions.
Safety, security and comfort are among our most basic human needs—ones that are certainly necessary in our relationships too. On the other hand, excitement and adventure are just as important; they drive, inspire and thrill us. We cannot have both at the same time, yet both are equally essential.
Similarly, a 2014 study from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology notes the competing desire for individuality and connectedness in romantic relationships—the need to be me and need to be we. At least in our predominantly individualistic Western society, couples will face tension in balancing their own needs versus their partners’, as well between the need for an individual versus a joint identity.
The reality here is that you will be permanently tasked with balancing these vital yet contradictory priorities. You will crave the comfort of a partnership that is stable and secure, but fear the consequences of it losing its sense of adventure and spark. You will strive to build a shared identity with your partner, at the risk of losing the individuality that brought you together in the first place.
The solution lies in sustaining each end of the dichotomy—which requires intentionality, sacrifice and compromise that will be challenging but certainly worthwhile for you both. It means carving out time for spontaneity without overhauling your sense of safety. It necessitates intimacy and togetherness while also respecting each other’s autonomy.
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